Another saying in my mentor ship program that has edged itself into my mind is this:
“Its hard to hate / dislike people close up”
I still judge and have dislikes, some of them very strong towards other individuals. However when I do judge or say unkind things I get this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and my heart – alerting me that I am off track. My awareness – the biggest gift I received through my persistent yoga practice.
I have really looked close up why I dislike some people and in the end the actions / behaviors that they display that repel me come down to their own hurt inside which they are trying to mask over with whatever they are doing or to my own limiting belief systems because their behaviors sometimes trigger something in me that needs working on. It is complex, but I will try to move in closer to the people and things that I seem to be triggered by and look a bit deeper, practice compassion & forgiveness towards myself and them and be less judgmental.
Something has happened last week, where I was offering to do something for somebody that came from my heart, but was received with misunderstanding and judgement. I then reacted to the judgement, because it triggered me in some of my deepest limiting beliefs – not being worthy, not being good enough, I don’t belong. I felt like I had to explain and defend myself, when it would have really been enough to say o.k. / whatever – I know that I am a good person with good intentions. There were 2 people talking about me, not to me and the offer turned to custard, leaving all 3 parties feeling uncomfortable. However on reflection I realised that I still talk about people too, not being brave enough to address everything that obviously moves me or that needs clarifying with the person directly and ideally by talking to each other in person. Its so much easier to talk about people then to them.
A few weeks ago I chatted to some yoga students before session and I said something unkind about someone. I immediately felt bad about it and knew it was wrong, unnecessary and unkind. Some times my mouth is quicker than my brain. I have since beaten myself up about it and feeling guilty for not being more collected. However all of this happens to most of us at times and the more we are aware of what feels right and what feels wrong, then we can actually change we do and how we go about things.
So my goal is to move in closer and really work on my own behaviors that don’t serve me or anybody else and to practice forgiveness towards myself when I muck up and try to do better next time.