Why have I been absent from sharing?

“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.” – Maggie Smith – 

I started writing blogs and posts on social media many years ago. It helped me find my voice and it helped me grow and learn to express myself and connect with others and my inner self. I am an introvert by nature. I do like engaging with people if we can have meaningful conversations. However I am allergic to small talk, superficial conversation or inauthentic connection. I don’t have a game face either. If I am uncomfortable you usually see it in my face and if its really bad and I have to go do something I am anxious or worried about or feeling uncomfortable with I can even built up a banging migraine.

Writing was one of my joys, a beautiful way to process what I was going through and to share it with others who might resonate with it. Over the years (before Cxxxid) I only got the occasional nasty comment, which I could deal with more or less.

That all changed after the bug appeared. Suddenly friends and families turned against each other over the Waxxxine, Facecovers and others things implemented. The nastiness, censorship, one-sided media presentation and bullying of everyone thinking otherwise was and still is next level and reminded in some part of what I was experiencing in the first 15 years of my life in communistic East Germany. Talking freely and saying what you thought was not an option – that meant prison if it was not along the lines of what the party was propagating and if you said it to the wrong person. The fact alone that I have to disguise words in this writing should give everyone something to ponder about. I also don’t agree with the nastiness that was directed at people who were in agreement with what was happening. I just want human beings to be nice to each other, to be tolerant of different views and find some compassion for each other. Is it really that hard?

Writing and expressing myself and my views didn’t feel safe anymore. I never thought I would witness anything like it again. People that I thought were friends turned out not to be that. It has to be mentioned that I experienced nastiness from both directions. We were overseas at the time, Nina was unwell with no diagnosis and combined with all the travel restrictions from the bug and our limited budget, it meant we had to abandon our adventure and sell everything again. I felt so vulnerable, unsafe, unsupported and unheard and I somehow lost alot of my faith and trust in humanity and the goodness in people along the way somewhere.

After spending years to pull down the walls that I had erected earlier in my life and become more vulnerable, open and honest I found myself erecting walls again to protect myself against the viciousness and bullying I was witnessing all around me. I had to narrow down who I was following on social media and at times had to entirely tune out so I had time to recover from it all. I pretty much stopped going out altogether, because home felt the safest. I couldn’t figure out if people still wanted hugs & kisses or distance. I was scared of addressing the elephant in the room, because I never wanted to offend, but I also did not want to hide what I was feeling and thinking. I withdrew inside, because I did not feel safe, appreciated, wanted or heard in the world that was presenting itself to me. I didn’t know who trust, what information was right or wrong – it was all so confusing and intense.

I had to get the waxxine myself in the end. Not because I thought it was efficient or safe, but because I would not have been allowed back into NZ otherwise and my family wanted and needed to be there. So I had to take 2 for the family.  I felt like my body had just been violated, I had no other viable choice, no voice. Witnessing people having terrible side effects after, loosing their jobs, incomes, houses, my children not being able to visit the Library, people being not able to enter public buildings and Cafe’s, not being able to return to their workplaces thrown out and discarded like rubbish – all like in a really bad movie. I am aware that lots of people were fine and at peace with their choices. I was not at peace however with having no viable other choice.

I was attacked countless times in nasty ways, called names and ridiculed because of my views. I witnessed so many friends hurting badly through the treatment they received. And to top it all off I also had “friends” who refused to see me or let my child see their child because I had the waxxine and treated me like a dirty outcast at a time when I really needed friends and connection.

With all the changes we had happening trying to build a life in NZ again in amongst all that chaos, finding jobs, settling the kids back in, getting to the bottom of Nina’s health issues etc. I sometimes felt like I could not face a new day, but somehow I made it. I know it sounds ridiculous looking at the suffering people experience in Palestine, Israel, Ukraine and other countries or closer to home, the people who lost everything in the flood are are still in limbo with nowhere to go – I have friends who lost children, husbands, who battled cancer. I realise I am lucky in among it all. It almost feels pointless sharing this, but writing about it helps validate my experience, my feelings and the feelings of many others who have been shunned, discounted and discriminated. Its a small trauma compared to the terrible things some people have to endure here and in other parts of the world, but it is still a trauma and discrimination of any shape or form is hurting people. I slipped into a dark place for some time, feeling resentful, lost, grieving. I am slowly emerging again, still disoriented, trying to ground and to feel strong again, still trying to build a new vision.

I did not judge people who wanted the wax or wear face covers, but I was judged for not wanting it and I was judged for being forced into having it. I am no saint by the way.  I catch myself on a daily basis being judgmental about something, but I try not to be vial or nasty about it or try to look at things from different perspectives, let people make their own choices and work on being a better person. I don’t tell people they are nuts because they still don’t want to shake people’s hands anymore and still run around with a face nappy on a daily basis. If it makes them feel safe- fine by me, but don’t force me do the same. I don’t understand some peoples choices, but I try to be tolerant of them. Sometimes it works, sometimes I still find myself uttering or thinking words I am not proud of. It seems a never ending journey trying to be a good human and often it feels like 1 step forward 5 steps backwards. Sometimes I don’t even know how to be in this world… I feel foreign, different, like somehow I have landed on the wrong planet.

I know of 4 suicides in just the past month through the small circle of people I know. Not enough people talk about this. We had more suicide deaths than coxid deaths in NZ. People feel so desperate, they can’t face living in this world anymore. Slipping away in a negative space myself for some time and noticing how much effort it takes to pull oneself out of a low I really feel for the people who mentally struggle to cope. I used to volunteer regularly in the Mental Health Unit of the Hospital when I had my yoga studio and it always broke my heart to witness the suffering. Of course that was already the case before the bug, but even worse now. We are presenting the next generation with such a mess, they can’t face it. Where did all the millions of dollars come from to address 1 virus and why is not the same amount of money thrown at our persistent mental health crisis  or at our crumbling health system? There are so many questions and no satisfying answers or solutions. I have lost my faith in governments to bring actual positive change for the people on the ground. It seems the rich get richer and the poor poorer no matter who is in power.

I am so grateful for my many practices that helped me manage through the really rough bits. I am grateful I had audiobooks and crochet that took me away from reality, escape the madness for a bit and helped me manage to get up the next day again. I am grateful for my yoga practice, essential oils, herbs, foods and supplements that helped me support my body. I am grateful for all the healers who held me for short periods with healing touch and attention and an open ear and I am grateful for true friends who I could share openly with without forcing their own opinion onto me. I am grateful for the doctors and specialists and modern medicine too, that helped shed light on our daughters condition and for the drugs that seem to help her. I am grateful for the Nurses and Doctors working so hard and coping with our broken, overloaded and underfunded health system on a daily basis. I am grateful for the friends and family that helped us settle back in and welcomed us.

Recently I went to a Transformational Breath & Cacao session with Helle Thomson and Radha Iveta. I went to quite a few of these over the past few years and it is one of those safe spaces where I can process and be and always feel lighter and better afterwards. These sessions are so nourishing and surprising and for me every session is totally different. It might sound weird, but the practice is almost like communing with spirit and getting guidance and insights that don’t manage to quite make it to consciousness in everyday life.

In my last session I received the inspiration to stop hiding to start re-connecting. Sharing rather than burying my thoughts and feelings. Tiptoeing out into the world a bit more again. I am not sure yet why and how and what. What do I have to share that hasn’t been shared before? There is so much noise already, everything has been said and done. Perhaps its more for myself than for anyone else?

I have opened and closed my laptop and journal several times since. Lack of time and space to finish a train of thought and still not feeling quite safe. Well this is my first tiptoe out into writing and sharing and I am not sure where its going to take me and if I am going to write anything else. Being back in full time employment and doing yoga guiding and healing work on the side as well as being a Mama to two Teens, Ueberdriver and Householder does not leave much headspace for creative thinking, writing, drawing or anything creative really.

I am not writing this to offend or to say “look at poor me”  or to make my view right and yours wrong. I am writing this because this was my experience and it is just that. My experience, my views. I don’t claim my views are right or better researched or more valid. Writing still helps me process things. It helps me put into words what piles up on the inside. I am not sure I will ever share anything too personal on Social Media again, but here on my own blog it feels o.k. now.

My wish for this world is for all beings to be healthy, free, to have access to safe and affordable housing, enough food on the table to nourish their bodies, to be able to live in a peaceful and safe country and enough time to nourish their spirits and souls in a healthy and well treated and respected environment. There is so much abundance in this world and it seems that a small portion of humans driven by greed muck it up for way too many people…

My wish is for us all to be more mindful what effects our words and actions have on others in our daily interactions and ponder what tolerance, compassion & connection to others means to us.

My words and intentions for the New Year are Rebuilding Connection & Trust – with self and others. My weekly yoga sessions have already helped me a lot to reconnect with likeminded people to practice something that feels good to all of us, despite the varying views we may or may not have. Another beacon for me in this coming year is to build strength back up mentally and physically.

So here we go – my first blog in years. It feels scary but freeing to get this off my chest. Its amazing how heaving things can become if they are held inside for too long….