The past couple of years have been really interesting for me. I have done a lot of things that are right out of my comfort zone. I have been allowing myself to try new things and new things always bring challenges, but they are all good. I am learning to love challenges, because I got that they all teach me something and have some purpose.
One big challenge for me – as silly as it sounds – are other peoples opinions. I spent a big part of my life trying to fit in somewhere and seek acceptance / approval and I guess in some way or form I am still doing that to some degree. I guess everyone wants to belong somehow / somewhere. I have also noticed that I often pay more attention to the negative comments I get, than to the positive ones – the strange workings of the monkey mind of mine.
So with stepping out of my comfort zone naturally some people question my decisions. I question them myself all the time with endless dialogues in my head.
I guess it comes down to wanting approval for what I am doing – the thing is I really don’t need approval, as long as I know that what I am doing feels good, right and rings true. And I am getting a lot more comfortable these days with living to my true values. A huge part why this is relatively easy for me now is, that I have a loving and immensely supportive husband. I am so grateful for / to him, because I know how it feels if you don’t have loving support at home from previous relationships. It makes a huge difference.
It also really helps to have the awareness of taking inside thoughts and outside opinions for what they are. Just thoughts / opinions / outside noise – they are not necessarily my reality. Here are a few I have heard in the last couple of weeks that stung somehow, been worked though in the head and chucked in compost bin to create some good mature soil for the future:
– you seem a bit all over the place – first homeopathy now yoga, there are so many yoga teachers around already. (Mhh yeah I know I have actually done my research, but I am doing it anyway, because it makes me feel good. By the way as far as I can remember you have tried a few things in your time too make a living. – I just thought that afterwards – I didn’t say it – was too gobsmacked)
– Oh, you had good marks for homeopathy, well done. (And in the same breath): Oh and by the way xyz has just finished their degree with an A plus with distinction. (Aehmmm meaning what – is my above expectation not good enough for you??? I just thought that afterwards – I didn’t say it – was too gobsmacked. What are people thinking or am I just jealous???)
– And another goody from a so called empowerment leadership male who’s programme I signed up for and resigned after a few weeks, because I decided I wanted to turn off the all the outside noise and listen to myself instead of to others ” You aren’t a leader hun…run scared run away and forever never meet your potential…good luck” (Mhhh is that supposed to be empowering me, just because I don’t feel like doing your program anymore? How immature and unprofessional. I might not be a leader, but I will meet my potential without you, thank you very much.)
In actual fact those comments are quite funny, because they reflect my own insecurities and I have been half expecting those or similar comments from the ones who said them – or have I even been manifesting them….
I don’t know that what I am doing is right. For once I am trying to listen to my heart – is it right or wrong – who knows and unless I am trying I won’t know either. I am trying to honor my values and live by them. I am so immersed in so much outside noise (peoples opinions / advise, books, social media, articles, workshops etc.) that I have quite forgotten how to access my own inner wisdom.
I want to ACT instead of RE-ACT. I think studying yoga (and I don’t mean bending the legs behind your ears yoga alone / I am looking more forward to the inner work and giving myself time to do so) will help and push me in the right direction, because if I want to teach this one day my students will know pretty soon if I am just a bullshitter in pretty leggings or if I actually know what I am talking about. – I have to find my own voice again and learn to speak my own truth.
So here is my intention for the next few months and it will take a lot of discipline – I AM GOING TO TURN AS MUCH OUTSIDE NOISE OFF AS I CAN MANAGE AND LISTEN TO MY OWN INNER WISDOM. I AM GOING TO FIND MY OWN VOICE, REACTIVATE THAT THROAT CHAKRA AND SPEAK MY OWN TRUTH. YEEEHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!