Crack – 15th August 2017
Today I feel like I am cracking – I am not strong. I feel like sitting in the corner and crying. I try to be strong mostly, because I have to hold things together for my family, for our businesses, with my community work.
Sometimes I just want to tell people to f… off and get lost, but I can’t either because we need their money to pay our mortgage or because that’s not kind, or because you just can’t do that sort of thing – or can I? I guess there are always 2 sides to the story and most of the time the upset isn’t worth it on reflection.
Then there are the times that because of all the external crap I am also becoming a crap mother and partner, because I have this bottled up stuff inside me and the only safe place to let it out is at home or when I am by myself. I am not very often by myself, especially not when I most need it, so my family is absorbing my moods and emotions and then I feel guilty about that.
Sometimes everything is just too much and it takes only a little thing to take me over the edge. I think it’s time I created better boundaries for myself, do more dancing or perhaps tell people to f…. off.
I am teaching 3 yoga sessions today and I am feeling like I am fake. How can I teach yoga when I am so weak myself. How can I sit in front of people trying to help them feel better when I feel like sitting in the corner and crying?
A friend told me today it’s good to see that I am not always strong, that I am human. I guess that’s a lesson. I am human and today I am weak and vulnerable.
I have written this first in a word documents, pondering if I can really post officially that I want to tell people to f…. off and that I am weak and vulnerable. Can I publish this and still sit in front of my students – what are they going to think of me?
Yes I can – I can show its o.k. to feel vulnerable and talk about it. We have to invite conversation and make it o.k. to show more emotion, I don’t always have to have it together. Because of all this bottled up stuff, not being able to speak our truth for whatever reason and holding it together there is suffering. I have put on some nice essential oils and I have cried – so I already feel better.
And then I guess through the cracks comes in light in the end.