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Excitement & opportunity versus fear

The last week has been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I have just signed a sublease agreement for a newly created yoga room at Aspyre Fitness, opposite Cornucopia and Common Room.

It is a small, cosy and intimate space for 10-12 students and it includes usage of shower, change room and sauna facilities of the Aspyre Fitness studio. The room is upstairs and tucked away in a quite corner, I love the feel of it and think it will be a beautiful space to practice and teach yoga in.

I will start teaching from the 13th February with regular sessions in Hatha and Yin Yoga. There will be sessions at 6 am, 6.30 am, 9.30 am, 12 pm lunchtime / 45 mins sessions, 5.30 and 7 pm. All sessions apart from the lunchtime ones are going to be 1 hour. I also have some exciting workshops in mind, that I want to share once I am settled. The final timetable will be out soon. I will also do some beginners workshops for students who don’t have any yoga experience.

Session prices will be $12 for a concession card of 10 sessions, valid for 6 months, $14 drop ins, $10 pensioners & Students, Koha possible on enquiry if unwaged. And of course I will offer some specials in the first few weeks.
So the exciting bit is, that I can create my own little yoga space, that has the atmosphere that I envisage and have been dreaming about and that I can be flexibile with my sessions to fit around our family life. It also means, that I don’t have to carry my yoga props around town having to settle into different spaces for every session. And even better I love it that my students will be able to have a shower after session, have access to change rooms and a sauna if they desire.

The scary bit is – this offer came out of the blue, I wasn’t really prepared to take such a big leap so fast. But after much consideration and a few sleepless nights I decided I would take the risk and give it a go. So now I have committed to providing a regular great service to the community, which will take lots of personal commitment and energy and regular expenses, with only few clients, as I am a new kid on the block. Then the fear creeped in -what if I am not good enough, what if students don’t like my teaching, what if I don’t earn enough money to cover expenses, what if this is too big a commitment etc. etc. That’s there the trust has to come in, that it will be alright and that it was meant to be.

Tim, my husband reminded me, that I have taken way bigger risks in my live than this one. For example with 19 I packed my stereo in my stone-age VW and a few clothes and moved to Berlin – within a weeks notice to a flat I had been offered out of the blue. At the time I was unemployed, lived in an uninspiring and suffocating area of Germany. I had about $500 unemployment benefit per month and the flat, 4 stories up was $150 per month with 1 room, no shower, coal oven and lovely rat visitors on the windowsill in Kreuzberg a really buzzing and cultural hot pot area of Berlin. I had 3 amazing job offers within 2 months and ended up living there for 10 years, making the most of everything this amazing city had to offer.

Then with 29 I was so unhappy after a few failed relationships and unsatisfied by my corporate career, that I quit my job, my flat, dissolved my household, put a few cartons in my parents house and left Germany with backpack, filling my pants, because I had only a very rough idea as to what I was going to do. I had saved up half my wage for a few years, so I had a bit of money on my account. All I knew was that I wanted to learn english and New Zealand seemed like a good option to do just that. I travelled for 6 months in Asia first, leaning to be with just myself, learning to listen to the inside, shed my unhappiness and discover who I was and what I wanted. Although ultimately that took me a good more 10 years to really to figure out.

Then when I was 30 I had almost finished my year in New Zealand and planned to go to Australia for a year to learn even more english and work in a proper job. But then Tim came along. Within 3 months I had to make my mind up whetever to stay or go. We kind of were in love but everything was still pretty fresh. To make a long story short I took the leap, invested my last money in a good immigration lawyer and put trust in place and knowledge that money could be replaced but love not. Well 13 years later it turned out this was just about the best decision I made in my whole life – I have won the husband lottery out of the blue – he just appeared when I least expected it.

And then 2 years after we both took another leap of faith and decided we wanted to be parents – another completely unpredictable biggy. Needless to say that this was another good decision. Our 2 children have been my best, real teachers. Everyday they hold the mirror up for me to reflect how I speak, how I act, If I am fair & kind or not. Everyday they are plainly honest – an invaluable gift. I am so grateful to be able to be a mum, even if there are days when I am overwhelmed and doubt my capabilities.

So the conclusion is I have jumped off bigger cliffs before without having wings – they grew and appeared. And mostly the scariest things I did where also the best.

So I trust Heartspace Yoga & me will be just fine and hopefully provide a helpful service to our community. I am looking forward to seeing you on the mat soon.

[FBW]

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Beware – I can be an arsehole

Its nearly 12 at night and I can’t sleep. I thought I would share what’s going around in my head. Funnily enough Loren McPherson just shared this quote on her profile which seems quite fitting.

So here you go – I can be a real arsehole – not all the time of coarse, just sometimes – most of the time I try to be good. But whats next worse to actually being an arsehole is being aware that I am one.

Awareness is the greatest gift that I have received through yoga and meditation. And its kind of a pain too, because I can’t get away with things anymore like I used to. I just used to blame the “others” for whatever, and try my very best to put myself right. With awareness, that doesn’t work anymore. Its kind of like watching myself in disbelief being an arsehole and knowing quite well I am wrong. I can feel when I am off, in my tummy, in my concience and then comes the reflection and realisation of what I just did.

The last 2 days I spent flat out in the garden – it looked like a jungle. I also did a lot of thinking about ego, about me, observing whats going on in my monkey-mind, reflecting and planning where to from year, whats is this New Year about. When I am on a mission I am best not disturbed, so I didn’t really take the time and patience for my kids when they wanted things. Tim really backed me and was the sweetest thing, cooking dinner both days, so I could carry on. Tonight he choose a movie “Mr Church” – he puts a lot of thought in choosing movies for us – because I can’t stand violence, action, too sad etc. – its complicated. The movie really moved me and was so fitting to whats being going on in my head, because it was all about appreciating your loved ones, friendship, creating a loving family and loosing them through death. On reflection I thought how often I have been an arsehole to the people I love most including Tim and the children. Just by not taking the time, attention, presence and acceptance to be there for them properly. I am also neglecting my friends – life is just so busy and I really enjoy some “me” time if I can get some. And I had a few flashbacks from years back when I was a real arsehole and not even being aware of it.

I can already hear people saying “don’t be too hard on yourself”, but for me its more about being truthful about what I do, how I act, how I react, observe my mind, my behavior, the chatter, the feelings, the constant movement of energies – feeling good, bad, sad, happy, angry, jealous – who I am in this human body and I am learning to accept, that is o.k. to not be able to do the right things all the time, because from my mistakes I learn and grow. And I am learning how freeing it is to be honest with myself and I am so grateful for awareness, even if it hurts sometimes and I am grateful to be getting better at forgiveness, rather than beating myself up for long.

There is only one problem left: what to do when I encounter a real arsehole, who is not aware that they have their head stuck in their backsite. I know a few people, who I have tried halfheartedly to warm up to with compassion. I guess compassion is the way to go, but to be honest, I haven’t got that fine tuned yet – its a work in progress.

Now why am I writing this on my yoga page in public. I should be advertising myself as being a chilled out, beautiful looking, having it kind of sorted kind of type. Or should I share what moves me, whats real – the above is the real yoga for me. I love asana practice (postures) , because my body feels good afterwards, it calms me down and provides me with peace and quite for 1 hour in the day. But what comes through this practice – gems like awareness is what really matters – to me anyway.

Although I can say I am yoga teacher now, because I am qualified to teach, I still see myself as a student – I know lots of teachers do. I see myself as sharing this wild journey of humanity and human traits with my fellow human beings. And I am hoping to provide some inspiration through my journey, through being open and honest and real. I am hoping to create some positive change essentially, for myself, for my children, for our community and for the world one step at the time.

Yoga & Meditation, Homeopathy, good friends and my husband and children have helped me to wake up, to be aware, to get out of my head (or arse) back into my heartspace which was well protected by the many walls around it which I erected, so I can’t get hurt anymore. The walls are mostly down now – I can see all the colours, I can feel and connect with nature properly and other human beings mostly, I can feel warmth, I can feel love, I feel vulnerable, but I feel good, the best I have ever felt. That is why I call my yoga journey Heartspace Yoga.

Good night world. x

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First ever money earned with my very own “business”

Last night I received this $20 note. My first ever payment in my very own first business venture for services I provided. I even feel odd about calling teaching yoga a business. It doesn’t seem right those two words in a row. All the money from the other sessions I did were or will be either donated to the Womans Centre or Womans Refuge.

It is strange how I felt a real resistance to take it and I know where it stems from. I have always had trouble valuing myself and the things I do. I am getting better at it, but I see this so often around me with other people doing the same – downplaying what they do, dimming their lights. I guess there is a fine balance between having a healthy self confidence & self value and a bloated ego.

Another discomfort in taking money is that I know there are lots of people out there who simply don’t have the money to spend on self-care like yoga sessions, so I really want my sessions to be available to everyone. And often those vulnerable people, would really benefit most from this practice, to bring back a healthy body and mind, to bring back balance, an escape for 1 hour in the day just for them etc. On the other hand I have learned though my work on “You made my day – Hawke’s Bay” that free services are often not valued the same as paid for experiences. People book in and then just don’t turn up or cancel on short notice, some not even bothering to cancel – blocking the space for others on waiting lists. I have heard of other practitioners in different areas making similar experiences. So again there is a fine balance between making sessions affordable for everyone, but still charging enough to be valued.

And another limiting belief that money is somehow “bad” and linked to greed in my subconscious. I have a very strong sense of injustice and when I look at the gap between the rich and poor my sense of injustice kicks in, making me feel bad that I am taking the money or having it, rather than inviting abundance, so I am able to pass it on, because I know I would – greed doesn’t sit well with me.

So this $20 is going to be framed and placed above my desk, to help me remember to value myself & the work I do, to remind myself I deserve to be paid, because I have and will work hard for it, to remind myself that others will value my work more by paying for it and to remind myself to be grateful for all the wonderful conveniences in my life that have been paid for with money.

Thank you to my first paying clients – I really appreciate you valuing me and what I do xxx

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I am a certified yoga teacher!

Yay I did it – WE did it. I received my 200 hrs yoga teacher training Certificate last weekend.

Thank you to all my willing students, especially the ones who had to put up with video cameras in the rooms – I couldn’t have done this without you.

Thank you to all the willing people who let me teach in their spaces and to the teachers locally who have been so generous with their advice, help and support. I am really grateful.

Thank you to all my fellow yoga teacher students, who did the training with me and thank you to our fantastic teachers at Golden Flow Yoga in Golden Bay. The teacher training was a beautiful and deep learning experience in soo many ways – I will always hold this special time in my heart.

Thank you to my supportive husband for putting up with my absence for study and teaching and who is backing me with pretty much everything I want to do. And thank you to my family and friends for their always generous support. Thank you to my children – my truest and best teachers of all.

From next week on I am going to have a well deserved break for the school holidays until the end of January to spend some time with my family.

I am starting teaching again in February 2017 and really look forward to all the yoga adventures to come.

I am wishing you all a relaxing, happy Christmas time and a happy, healthy and fulfilling New Year.

Silke xxx

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pre perceived body shapes to do yoga – asanas / postures

In my very first yoga lesson a lady asked me if it would be helpful to have a figure like mine to be able to do the postures. The answer is a clear NO.

I have seen many people with a thin body shape who have difficulty with flexibility. Its not a question of body shape. When we do yoga regularly our bodies become more flexible no matter what shape we are. On top of that all our bodys are constructed so differently. In my anatomy lessons we looked at different bone structures and assessed each other’s bodies and the movement we could get. We realised that some of us would probably never be able to sit in Lotus position, because our bone structure will not allow that movement, no matter how hard we try.

So I think the main thing in yoga is to respect your body, listen to what it tells you, not to push yourself too hard, avoid pain, leave the ego at the door and make it an internal practice that suits your body, don’t compare yourself to others, and delete any pre-conceived ideas from glossy magazines or fancy facebook-post-postures of people with legs wrapped behind their ears.

Yoga can be for anybody – it can be very simple and super efficient in that simplicity.

Check out this article

 

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Spilt Milk Yoga – Book recommendation

I bought the book “Spilt Milk Yoga” from Cathryn Munro before I went on the teacher training and love it. It is a guided self-inquiry to finding your own wisdom, joy and purpose through Motherhood.
Being a mum of a 6 and 9 year old myself I can only say again and again that my children have been my greatest teachers – EVER! Becoming a mum has transformed me in so many ways. It challenges me every day and it brings me joy every day. I have many moments and days where I think I have been completely incapable as a mother.

I started reading the book when I had 4 hours to wait on the airport and made notes in my journal about what I want to make a priority in my mothering when getting back.

The 1st and most important thing I wrote down is “be more present / aware” – meaning not checking messages on the phone when my children are trying to tell me something, meaning to stop when they smile at me and tell me a very lengthy story while I am trying to cook dinner, wash dishes, negotiate shower time etc., meaning taking more time at bedtime to listen to what they have to say about their day, ask some questions, have the 3rd and 4th hug, even if there is a big pile waiting on my desk etc., switching that mary-go-round in my head off while I am with them in this moment, completely present and being able to observe and watch myself and assess what I am doing and why.

The 2nd thing I wrote down is “be more patient”. This is one of my weaknesses – I am REALLY impatient. And if things don’t move along fast enough I have been known to be unfriendly and hurry things along in no uncertain way. Whats the hurry about? My to do list is unlikely to be dealt to in full any time soon – I really want to relax a bit more and take it one step at the time. I want to be more present in the moments that arise and then while I am present – to be patient with whatever is happening. I am too often hurrying along things and missing out on the pleasure of the moment. Not good for the poor nerveous system. Sitting meditation is like the worse punishment for me- wasting all that time sitting still when I have so much to do – yet this is just the thing I need.

The 3rd thing I wrote down is “acceptance” Accepting what is, not trying to change myself, my husband, my children, my community, the politicians, the world. Accepting that I don’t have to have control over everything, Accepting that I am not a perfect mother and never will be. Accepting that I am good enough as I am, that everybody and everything else is good enough as they are in this moment. Accepting that being a parent is full on and this is a good full on and accepting that we are all learners always, Accepting and letting go…. Ahh that feels good.

Being just recently away for 2 weeks from my family for the first time was a really interesting experience. Having the space to just be me for 2 full weeks and concentrate on just the one action I was doing (teacher-training) felt soo good. Although the schedule was 6 am to 9 pm every day it felt a bit like a holiday and I felt rested, full, relaxed and just really good.. When I came back it felt like a landslide was descending on me with all the things that I do everyday when I am home: cleaning, cooking, washing, folding, grocery shopping, dishes, gardening, work for the business, run an online platform, do charitable work, be a mum & wife, trying to build my own carreer doing something I love that is useful, constantly be present for countless questions and requests, interrupted meals, rushing around to get everything done for everyone.

Quite frankly I think every parent is a superwoman or superman no matter how good or bad we do. After 2 weeks of absence it was really clear to me that every parent is doing bloody marvelous and that parenting is one of the most undervalued jobs that is being done every day in a Million households around the globe. There is no training provided for this journey – you have to fake it until you make it and that’s why I love having good resources like Spilt Milk Yoga to refer to now and then to have a “job review” although its unlikely you get a monetary bonus at the end of the year, the bonus might be more clarity, presence, awareness and a happier you.

The book “Spilt Milk Yoga” uses the 5 Nijamas, the core-actions of yoga to organise the chapters. The chapters are short & practical with worksheets, that make it easy to assess where you are at.
1. Swadhyaya – Self Enquiry
2. Santosha – Contentment
3. Tapas – Self-Discipline
4. Shaucha – Purity of Being
5. Ishvarapranidhana – Acknowledging the spiritial Nature of Being

You can also check out an interview with the author on the Yoga Lunch Box site: http://theyogalunchbox.co.nz/cathryn-munro-on-motherhood-a…/