I recognize how some pages I just want to go past, because they feel uncomfortable. It will be a journey longer than 3 weeks, I already know that.

For me my most important assignment is how to look after myself properly. I am 43 now, mama of a 7 and 10 year old, I run my own yoga & essential oil business and help my husband in his photography business – my body is not as willing anymore to put up with being neglected or overworked. For many years I have made it a priority to look after others, to nourish them, to make them feel good. I think the time has come that it has to be the first priority to look after myself – I have been running on an empty tank for too long.

I think part of this is even going down deeper, trying to give everything of myself so that others love me, looking for recognition deep down, to feel that sense of belonging even.

Many years ago when I left Germany so desperately unhappy & heartbroken, completely lost in this world, so the only thing I could do was throw everything away that I had worked to hard for, grab my backpack and try to figure out what this life is all about. I realised that I can’t make anybody love me, unless I love myself – I had no selfrespect and selflove at that stage at all whatsoever. I realised that my home has to be in my heart, and then I can be home everywhere. But still there is much to learn. I can only look after others, nourish others, if I look after myself and nourish myself – without guilt.

I still struggle with subconscious feelings of unworthiness in all areas of my life, with guilt, shame, lots of not being good enough.

It is a very uncomfortable journey to walk home to my heart, to break all the walls down I have built around it over the years, but the best journey I have ever taken. I am coming heart, I walk steadily and patiently!

#heartspaceyoga #heartcentred #walkinghome #practiceyou #journaling#diggingdeep #selfcare #priorities

Then there are the times that because of all the external crap I am also becoming a crap mother and partner, because I have this bottled up stuff inside me and the only safe place to let it out is at home or when I am by myself. I am not very often by myself, especially not when I most need it, so my family is absorbing my moods and emotions and then I feel guilty about that.

Sometimes everything is just too much and it takes only a little thing to take me over the edge. I think it’s time I created better boundaries for myself, do more dancing or perhaps tell people to f…. off.

I am teaching 3 yoga sessions today and I am feeling like I am fake. How can I teach yoga when I am so weak myself. How can I sit in front of people trying to help them feel better when I feel like sitting in the corner and crying?

A friend told me today it’s good to see that I am not always strong, that I am human. I guess that’s a lesson. I am human and today I am weak and vulnerable.

I have written this first in a word documents, pondering if I can really post officially that I want to tell people to f…. off and that I am weak and vulnerable. Can I publish this and still sit in front of my students – what are they going to think of me?

Yes I can – I can show its o.k. to feel vulnerable and talk about it. We have to invite conversation and make it o.k. to show more emotion, I don’t always have to have it together. Because of all this bottled up stuff, not being able to speak our truth for whatever reason and holding it together there is suffering. I have put on some nice essential oils and I have cried – so I already feel better.

And then I guess through the cracks comes in light in the end.