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Beware – I can be an arsehole

Its nearly 12 at night and I can’t sleep. I thought I would share what’s going around in my head. Funnily enough Loren McPherson just shared this quote on her profile which seems quite fitting.

So here you go – I can be a real arsehole – not all the time of coarse, just sometimes – most of the time I try to be good. But whats next worse to actually being an arsehole is being aware that I am one.

Awareness is the greatest gift that I have received through yoga and meditation. And its kind of a pain too, because I can’t get away with things anymore like I used to. I just used to blame the “others” for whatever, and try my very best to put myself right. With awareness, that doesn’t work anymore. Its kind of like watching myself in disbelief being an arsehole and knowing quite well I am wrong. I can feel when I am off, in my tummy, in my concience and then comes the reflection and realisation of what I just did.

The last 2 days I spent flat out in the garden – it looked like a jungle. I also did a lot of thinking about ego, about me, observing whats going on in my monkey-mind, reflecting and planning where to from year, whats is this New Year about. When I am on a mission I am best not disturbed, so I didn’t really take the time and patience for my kids when they wanted things. Tim really backed me and was the sweetest thing, cooking dinner both days, so I could carry on. Tonight he choose a movie “Mr Church” – he puts a lot of thought in choosing movies for us – because I can’t stand violence, action, too sad etc. – its complicated. The movie really moved me and was so fitting to whats being going on in my head, because it was all about appreciating your loved ones, friendship, creating a loving family and loosing them through death. On reflection I thought how often I have been an arsehole to the people I love most including Tim and the children. Just by not taking the time, attention, presence and acceptance to be there for them properly. I am also neglecting my friends – life is just so busy and I really enjoy some “me” time if I can get some. And I had a few flashbacks from years back when I was a real arsehole and not even being aware of it.

I can already hear people saying “don’t be too hard on yourself”, but for me its more about being truthful about what I do, how I act, how I react, observe my mind, my behavior, the chatter, the feelings, the constant movement of energies – feeling good, bad, sad, happy, angry, jealous – who I am in this human body and I am learning to accept, that is o.k. to not be able to do the right things all the time, because from my mistakes I learn and grow. And I am learning how freeing it is to be honest with myself and I am so grateful for awareness, even if it hurts sometimes and I am grateful to be getting better at forgiveness, rather than beating myself up for long.

There is only one problem left: what to do when I encounter a real arsehole, who is not aware that they have their head stuck in their backsite. I know a few people, who I have tried halfheartedly to warm up to with compassion. I guess compassion is the way to go, but to be honest, I haven’t got that fine tuned yet – its a work in progress.

Now why am I writing this on my yoga page in public. I should be advertising myself as being a chilled out, beautiful looking, having it kind of sorted kind of type. Or should I share what moves me, whats real – the above is the real yoga for me. I love asana practice (postures) , because my body feels good afterwards, it calms me down and provides me with peace and quite for 1 hour in the day. But what comes through this practice – gems like awareness is what really matters – to me anyway.

Although I can say I am yoga teacher now, because I am qualified to teach, I still see myself as a student – I know lots of teachers do. I see myself as sharing this wild journey of humanity and human traits with my fellow human beings. And I am hoping to provide some inspiration through my journey, through being open and honest and real. I am hoping to create some positive change essentially, for myself, for my children, for our community and for the world one step at the time.

Yoga & Meditation, Homeopathy, good friends and my husband and children have helped me to wake up, to be aware, to get out of my head (or arse) back into my heartspace which was well protected by the many walls around it which I erected, so I can’t get hurt anymore. The walls are mostly down now – I can see all the colours, I can feel and connect with nature properly and other human beings mostly, I can feel warmth, I can feel love, I feel vulnerable, but I feel good, the best I have ever felt. That is why I call my yoga journey Heartspace Yoga.

Good night world. x


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