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From self loathing to self loving

I am not a Selfi – girl, but just took a photo for you in my office, where I create and write. Plain, un-staged, no make up, no hair styling just plain and beautiful me.

Last night I had a very profound feeling. My husband told me he liked my legs (thanks sweetheart) and I told him I did too and then I told him I actually liked my whole body. And that made me think – because it hasn’t always been this way. And from there I just experienced this really deep appreciation and love for my body – my human shell – my house in this lifetime. It took me 44 years to get there!

I have literally come from self loathing to self loving. When I was a teenager I hated my nose, I even wanted a surgery for it. Luckily there were never funds for something like this. I also prided myself to only eat 1 apple during the day – it was almost a competition with my class mates back then – I weighed around 50 kg and declared if it would be any more I would jump out of the window. I also experimented with all sorts of costumes on the outside – punk, goth, snob, office lady – you name it I probably looked like it at some stage in my life. I was completely lost – had no idea who I was and when I looked in the mirror when I was 28 and left Germany I literally loathed what I saw – it was all a lie, a mask, untrue – all I could feel was deep unhappiness and sadness.

I have come a long way since then. When I look in the mirror now I love what I see, wrinkles, pimples, fuzzy hair and 60 something kgs (haven’t weighted myself in months…). I am content with who I am, I don’t need to pretend anything anymore – If you don’t like who I am that’s too bad, because that’s how I come.

I feel a deep appreciation for my body – having grown, birthed and fed 2 children, carrying me around on this earth, working for me 24/7 despite me not giving a monkey about it for many years. I feel happy in my skin and I don’t want to change a thing about my body. I love my big nose, my breasts despite gravity setting in, I love the wrinkles that show that I have lived, I love the scars, the bumps and everything.

So here I am declaring I do love myself inside and out. Yes I am not perfect, but I am happy with who I am these days. I am making mistakes and muck things up, but I try my best and that is enough. I am enough.

And by the way me not wearing make up or not making any effort with my hair or feeling most comfy in my yoga clothes is not a devaluation of people who like to style and look pretty. Everybody is different. We all are entirely individual and as long as you can experience that deep happiness within yourself and don’t do those things to please others or fit into this screwed up society, but you do it for yourself and because it feels good to you- everything is sweet.

And interestingly enough since I have started to appreciate and love myself more, I am also able to appreciate and love other people in my life, the earth, my surroundings, my belongings in a deeper way. Everything that is important and has deep meaning to me becomes deeper and more meaningful. Everything that doesn’t resonate seems to fall away and just become a blur in the background.

And that feels so good – that’s my Christmas Present to myself this year 100% self acceptance – can’t get any better than this.

 

I invite you to explore the journey from self loathing to self loving if you haven’t arrived yet. Its worth it – you are worth it.

 

From “The Wheels of Life” by Anodea Judith on the Base Chakra:

Just as our houses are homes for our bodies, our body is home for our spirit. While attention may wander to distant places, we still return to the same bundle of flesh and bones throughout the entirety of our lives. Our bundle may change dramatically in the course of a lifetime, yet it is still the one and only home we will have throughout life. As our body interacts with the world, it becomes our personal microcosm of that world. The task of mastering the first chakra is ultimately to understand and heal the body. Learning to accept our body, feel it, validate it, love it – these are the challenges that await us here.”

 

 

 

 

 


Categories: Yoga Lifestyle

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