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Beware – I can be an arsehole

Its nearly 12 at night and I can’t sleep. I thought I would share what’s going around in my head. Funnily enough Loren McPherson just shared this quote on her profile which seems quite fitting.

So here you go – I can be a real arsehole – not all the time of coarse, just sometimes – most of the time I try to be good. But whats next worse to actually being an arsehole is being aware that I am one.

Awareness is the greatest gift that I have received through yoga and meditation. And its kind of a pain too, because I can’t get away with things anymore like I used to. I just used to blame the “others” for whatever, and try my very best to put myself right. With awareness, that doesn’t work anymore. Its kind of like watching myself in disbelief being an arsehole and knowing quite well I am wrong. I can feel when I am off, in my tummy, in my concience and then comes the reflection and realisation of what I just did.

The last 2 days I spent flat out in the garden – it looked like a jungle. I also did a lot of thinking about ego, about me, observing whats going on in my monkey-mind, reflecting and planning where to from year, whats is this New Year about. When I am on a mission I am best not disturbed, so I didn’t really take the time and patience for my kids when they wanted things. Tim really backed me and was the sweetest thing, cooking dinner both days, so I could carry on. Tonight he choose a movie “Mr Church” – he puts a lot of thought in choosing movies for us – because I can’t stand violence, action, too sad etc. – its complicated. The movie really moved me and was so fitting to whats being going on in my head, because it was all about appreciating your loved ones, friendship, creating a loving family and loosing them through death. On reflection I thought how often I have been an arsehole to the people I love most including Tim and the children. Just by not taking the time, attention, presence and acceptance to be there for them properly. I am also neglecting my friends – life is just so busy and I really enjoy some “me” time if I can get some. And I had a few flashbacks from years back when I was a real arsehole and not even being aware of it.

I can already hear people saying “don’t be too hard on yourself”, but for me its more about being truthful about what I do, how I act, how I react, observe my mind, my behavior, the chatter, the feelings, the constant movement of energies – feeling good, bad, sad, happy, angry, jealous – who I am in this human body and I am learning to accept, that is o.k. to not be able to do the right things all the time, because from my mistakes I learn and grow. And I am learning how freeing it is to be honest with myself and I am so grateful for awareness, even if it hurts sometimes and I am grateful to be getting better at forgiveness, rather than beating myself up for long.

There is only one problem left: what to do when I encounter a real arsehole, who is not aware that they have their head stuck in their backsite. I know a few people, who I have tried halfheartedly to warm up to with compassion. I guess compassion is the way to go, but to be honest, I haven’t got that fine tuned yet – its a work in progress.

Now why am I writing this on my yoga page in public. I should be advertising myself as being a chilled out, beautiful looking, having it kind of sorted kind of type. Or should I share what moves me, whats real – the above is the real yoga for me. I love asana practice (postures) , because my body feels good afterwards, it calms me down and provides me with peace and quite for 1 hour in the day. But what comes through this practice – gems like awareness is what really matters – to me anyway.

Although I can say I am yoga teacher now, because I am qualified to teach, I still see myself as a student – I know lots of teachers do. I see myself as sharing this wild journey of humanity and human traits with my fellow human beings. And I am hoping to provide some inspiration through my journey, through being open and honest and real. I am hoping to create some positive change essentially, for myself, for my children, for our community and for the world one step at the time.

Yoga & Meditation, Homeopathy, good friends and my husband and children have helped me to wake up, to be aware, to get out of my head (or arse) back into my heartspace which was well protected by the many walls around it which I erected, so I can’t get hurt anymore. The walls are mostly down now – I can see all the colours, I can feel and connect with nature properly and other human beings mostly, I can feel warmth, I can feel love, I feel vulnerable, but I feel good, the best I have ever felt. That is why I call my yoga journey Heartspace Yoga.

Good night world. x

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First ever money earned with my very own “business”

Last night I received this $20 note. My first ever payment in my very own first business venture for services I provided. I even feel odd about calling teaching yoga a business. It doesn’t seem right those two words in a row. All the money from the other sessions I did were or will be either donated to the Womans Centre or Womans Refuge.

It is strange how I felt a real resistance to take it and I know where it stems from. I have always had trouble valuing myself and the things I do. I am getting better at it, but I see this so often around me with other people doing the same – downplaying what they do, dimming their lights. I guess there is a fine balance between having a healthy self confidence & self value and a bloated ego.

Another discomfort in taking money is that I know there are lots of people out there who simply don’t have the money to spend on self-care like yoga sessions, so I really want my sessions to be available to everyone. And often those vulnerable people, would really benefit most from this practice, to bring back a healthy body and mind, to bring back balance, an escape for 1 hour in the day just for them etc. On the other hand I have learned though my work on “You made my day – Hawke’s Bay” that free services are often not valued the same as paid for experiences. People book in and then just don’t turn up or cancel on short notice, some not even bothering to cancel – blocking the space for others on waiting lists. I have heard of other practitioners in different areas making similar experiences. So again there is a fine balance between making sessions affordable for everyone, but still charging enough to be valued.

And another limiting belief that money is somehow “bad” and linked to greed in my subconscious. I have a very strong sense of injustice and when I look at the gap between the rich and poor my sense of injustice kicks in, making me feel bad that I am taking the money or having it, rather than inviting abundance, so I am able to pass it on, because I know I would – greed doesn’t sit well with me.

So this $20 is going to be framed and placed above my desk, to help me remember to value myself & the work I do, to remind myself I deserve to be paid, because I have and will work hard for it, to remind myself that others will value my work more by paying for it and to remind myself to be grateful for all the wonderful conveniences in my life that have been paid for with money.

Thank you to my first paying clients – I really appreciate you valuing me and what I do xxx

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I am a certified yoga teacher!

Yay I did it – WE did it. I received my 200 hrs yoga teacher training Certificate last weekend.

Thank you to all my willing students, especially the ones who had to put up with video cameras in the rooms – I couldn’t have done this without you.

Thank you to all the willing people who let me teach in their spaces and to the teachers locally who have been so generous with their advice, help and support. I am really grateful.

Thank you to all my fellow yoga teacher students, who did the training with me and thank you to our fantastic teachers at Golden Flow Yoga in Golden Bay. The teacher training was a beautiful and deep learning experience in soo many ways – I will always hold this special time in my heart.

Thank you to my supportive husband for putting up with my absence for study and teaching and who is backing me with pretty much everything I want to do. And thank you to my family and friends for their always generous support. Thank you to my children – my truest and best teachers of all.

From next week on I am going to have a well deserved break for the school holidays until the end of January to spend some time with my family.

I am starting teaching again in February 2017 and really look forward to all the yoga adventures to come.

I am wishing you all a relaxing, happy Christmas time and a happy, healthy and fulfilling New Year.

Silke xxx

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Working on the throat chakra

Last week I wrote letters to the local councillors and MP’s and then to the Newspaper. I always feel slightly weird putting myself out there, because I know the views I have are sometimes ridiculed by the corporate bullies or people who are happy to follow whatever the people in power tell them. But I have come to a stage in life where comments like this “after reading this I feel the need to find a group of people and hold hands and start singing, or maybe a could find a tree and give it a hug” don’t really bother me anymore. Quite the opposite, I feel like wanting to give this person a hug, because it is obvious they are disconnected from the very thing that nourishes and sustains their body – Mother Earth. A huge problem – the disconnection to other human & living beings and the natural resources and fine balance in nature that sustains us all and without which we are all stuffed. So comments like this make me even more determined to raise awareness.

You can check out the article that was published in the newspaper here.

Expressing myself has been a huge learning curve for me. I was a frightened mouse when I arrived in New Zealand 10 years ago. My self-confidence was below zero. Slowly I learned that I had something to give after all, something to say and found ways to be brave enough to step out of my comfort zone.

The last few weeks have been huge for me. Again stepping out of comfort zone, getting out from my hiding place behind the computer. Going on the yoga teacher training, was fulfilling a dream of mine, but it was also a huge expansion. When I first had to teach at the training I was shaking inside, my heart was going full speed, my voice felt shaky, I was so nervous to mess up, to be seen as incapable, to disappoint myself and others. I straight away put my hand up to teach another session, because I knew I needed the practice to be able to speak in front of people, something I have been extremely paranoid of.

Back in Hawke’s Bay there was not time to retreat in that mouse hole, we had to go out there and get teaching hours in. So I got on with it, got the big bottle of rescue remedy out, my lavender-oil and applied deep breathing techniques. 4 weeks later I feel fairly comfortable now sitting in front of people. I know I am not a perfect teacher and that I still have to learn a lot of things, but I am at peace with that. Everyone has to start somewhere.

All this teaches me, that we all can find ways to express ourselves, to bring healing & beauty to the world, to stand firmly and express our thoughts and feelings in a peaceful & respectful manner. We all have something to contribute, we just have to start believing in ourselves, in our different gifts (writing, speaking, painting, making music, healing etc.). We have to learn to turn the outside noise off – all the distractions in our busy world and listen to that whisper inside – what is it telling us? What is our next step? What is our contribution we need to make? What is the truth? Where do we need to stand firm and make a point and where do we need to soften? What has to go, what have we got to invite in?

I just thought I would share, that I feel very vulnerable at times, we all do. But we are at a time where we all need to take the next step for future generations, heal ourselves, heal our human connection & local communities, heal our planet & perhaps even join a group, sing by the river and hug a tree if you feel called to do so 😉.

Have a good weekend.

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pre perceived body shapes to do yoga – asanas / postures

In my very first yoga lesson a lady asked me if it would be helpful to have a figure like mine to be able to do the postures. The answer is a clear NO.

I have seen many people with a thin body shape who have difficulty with flexibility. Its not a question of body shape. When we do yoga regularly our bodies become more flexible no matter what shape we are. On top of that all our bodys are constructed so differently. In my anatomy lessons we looked at different bone structures and assessed each other’s bodies and the movement we could get. We realised that some of us would probably never be able to sit in Lotus position, because our bone structure will not allow that movement, no matter how hard we try.

So I think the main thing in yoga is to respect your body, listen to what it tells you, not to push yourself too hard, avoid pain, leave the ego at the door and make it an internal practice that suits your body, don’t compare yourself to others, and delete any pre-conceived ideas from glossy magazines or fancy facebook-post-postures of people with legs wrapped behind their ears.

Yoga can be for anybody – it can be very simple and super efficient in that simplicity.

Check out this article

 

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Spilt Milk Yoga – Book recommendation

I bought the book “Spilt Milk Yoga” from Cathryn Munro before I went on the teacher training and love it. It is a guided self-inquiry to finding your own wisdom, joy and purpose through Motherhood.
Being a mum of a 6 and 9 year old myself I can only say again and again that my children have been my greatest teachers – EVER! Becoming a mum has transformed me in so many ways. It challenges me every day and it brings me joy every day. I have many moments and days where I think I have been completely incapable as a mother.

I started reading the book when I had 4 hours to wait on the airport and made notes in my journal about what I want to make a priority in my mothering when getting back.

The 1st and most important thing I wrote down is “be more present / aware” – meaning not checking messages on the phone when my children are trying to tell me something, meaning to stop when they smile at me and tell me a very lengthy story while I am trying to cook dinner, wash dishes, negotiate shower time etc., meaning taking more time at bedtime to listen to what they have to say about their day, ask some questions, have the 3rd and 4th hug, even if there is a big pile waiting on my desk etc., switching that mary-go-round in my head off while I am with them in this moment, completely present and being able to observe and watch myself and assess what I am doing and why.

The 2nd thing I wrote down is “be more patient”. This is one of my weaknesses – I am REALLY impatient. And if things don’t move along fast enough I have been known to be unfriendly and hurry things along in no uncertain way. Whats the hurry about? My to do list is unlikely to be dealt to in full any time soon – I really want to relax a bit more and take it one step at the time. I want to be more present in the moments that arise and then while I am present – to be patient with whatever is happening. I am too often hurrying along things and missing out on the pleasure of the moment. Not good for the poor nerveous system. Sitting meditation is like the worse punishment for me- wasting all that time sitting still when I have so much to do – yet this is just the thing I need.

The 3rd thing I wrote down is “acceptance” Accepting what is, not trying to change myself, my husband, my children, my community, the politicians, the world. Accepting that I don’t have to have control over everything, Accepting that I am not a perfect mother and never will be. Accepting that I am good enough as I am, that everybody and everything else is good enough as they are in this moment. Accepting that being a parent is full on and this is a good full on and accepting that we are all learners always, Accepting and letting go…. Ahh that feels good.

Being just recently away for 2 weeks from my family for the first time was a really interesting experience. Having the space to just be me for 2 full weeks and concentrate on just the one action I was doing (teacher-training) felt soo good. Although the schedule was 6 am to 9 pm every day it felt a bit like a holiday and I felt rested, full, relaxed and just really good.. When I came back it felt like a landslide was descending on me with all the things that I do everyday when I am home: cleaning, cooking, washing, folding, grocery shopping, dishes, gardening, work for the business, run an online platform, do charitable work, be a mum & wife, trying to build my own carreer doing something I love that is useful, constantly be present for countless questions and requests, interrupted meals, rushing around to get everything done for everyone.

Quite frankly I think every parent is a superwoman or superman no matter how good or bad we do. After 2 weeks of absence it was really clear to me that every parent is doing bloody marvelous and that parenting is one of the most undervalued jobs that is being done every day in a Million households around the globe. There is no training provided for this journey – you have to fake it until you make it and that’s why I love having good resources like Spilt Milk Yoga to refer to now and then to have a “job review” although its unlikely you get a monetary bonus at the end of the year, the bonus might be more clarity, presence, awareness and a happier you.

The book “Spilt Milk Yoga” uses the 5 Nijamas, the core-actions of yoga to organise the chapters. The chapters are short & practical with worksheets, that make it easy to assess where you are at.
1. Swadhyaya – Self Enquiry
2. Santosha – Contentment
3. Tapas – Self-Discipline
4. Shaucha – Purity of Being
5. Ishvarapranidhana – Acknowledging the spiritial Nature of Being

You can also check out an interview with the author on the Yoga Lunch Box site: http://theyogalunchbox.co.nz/cathryn-munro-on-motherhood-a…/

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The Journey not the Destination

Wow – the last 2 weeks of my yoga teacher training immersion have been truly mind-blowing for me. Now I will do teaching sessions with small groups to get my 200 hour yoga teacher certification and I am very excited to do the first steps on my journey as a yoga teacher. Although I already realise that the learning will never be finished and that I have only really scatched the surface.

When I set off I was nervous & excited, when I arrived and viewed the schedule for the first time I was overwhelmed and doubtful and when I left after 2 weeks I wondered what the heck has just happened in such a short time – so much peeling back, stepping right out of my comfort zone, getting more confident & brave and feeling empowered by the shared journey with 16 other beautiful and brave souls.

The main lesson that I learned and knew theoretically before, but only just really experienced for the first time is: It is the journey that has to be enjoyable – not the destination. I might never make it to the destination or might not even like it once I am there. For the first time I experienced doing something in a professional path where I enjoyed every single second of it – although it was hard, full on & pushing me at times – I loved all of it. Bugger the destination – I have no real clue where this is going to take me or if I can support our family income with teaching yoga, but I very well know now, that I really want to do something that makes my heart sing when I do it. Our lives are so short – I really don’t want to waste anymore time doing things that don’t make me feel good.

The second main lesson I learned is that self care is sooo important. Something I thoroughly neglected for way too long. After the 2 weeks of 6 am to 9 pm sessions every day I felt so good, full of energy, rested, strong, clean & clear. I had no responsibilities for 2 weeks (thanks to my amazing husband – you are the bestest hubby I could wish for – love you to the moon and back) and it felt so good to just be me and not worry about anything else. I didn’t realise how tired I really was and how many things I do every day when I am home. The first thing that was really clear to me when I came back, was that our boundaries with the kids, especially with our temperamental daughter were blurred. We started to be firmer and stand by our word, which feels better for us and she will eventually learn that we mean what we say. Being a push over is draining not kind.

Also doing yoga every day at least 3 times in sessions made my body and mind strong, so I have the firm commitment to myself to keep up a self practice first thing in the morning on workdays, so I have a good kick start in the day and maintain the strength that I build in those 2 weeks.

We were lucky enough to be provided a healthy, nutritious vegetarian meal every night by the very knowledgable Linda Ross from Earthheart Nourishment eartheartnourishment.co.nz. It was so nice to have an unplanned detox. I didn’t cook a single thing apart from Coffee (organic and fair trade of course!), had heaps of fresh fruit and raw vegies with hummus, lots of water, no alcohol, no meat, no processed stuff, no fast food and plenty of good supplements and peaceful meals with no one complaining about what I cook. Back home and the treat foods, a fish & chips and Buerger Fuel meal, Crepes (with flour and eggs, which I am sensitive to) have made their way back into my stomack in the first 4 days and I feel bloated again and tired. Time to review what I want to put into my body and how it makes me feel.

Digital detox was a huge learning curve for me. Running the online groups “you made my day – Hawke’s Bay” and “Coming together” naturally I am online several times per day. While I was on the course I barely had time to get in touch with my family and no time at all to scroll through the endless Facebook feeds, think up new things to do to connect community and safe the planet, or worry about other peoples problems so much. It is draining to take in that much information all day – time to reflect what I really need & want to know about and how often I really need to go online. I am wasting too much time doing things that are not really necessary.

A friend told me that I have to learn put on my oxygen mask first and then help others to put on theirs – something I have not really done in the last few years.

So now onto implementing all the wisdom in my life. expanding and experiencing the knowledge and passing it onto others.

Feeling immensely grateful and happy right now.

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Off to my yoga teacher training

I have compiled my essentials for the next 13 days. Feeling very weird. I have only been away for 4 days from my children in the last 10 years and wonder how I will feel to just be “me” for a considerable amount of time. I wonder what this time will bring up emotionally, I wonder what I will learn, who I will meet – sooo exciting and scary at the same time.

Feeling for Tim, who will have to run the show at home & the business mostly by himself for this time and thankful to all the people who offered to help out with the children while Tim works.

Feeling immensely grateful to be able to do this!

Thank you to everybody who makes this possible for me – you know who you are xxx

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Rave party disguised as Chakra Dance

I just had the most profound experience and I have to write about it while I still feel it. I went to the last Chakradance Session, which was guided by Vicky Reisima. I have had my eye on those sessions for a few years, but always felt quite a lot of resistance so never went. She announced it was going to be last one and I thought I better find out what this is all about before its too late. And I am SOOOO glad I did.

How is it you wonder – its was like a rave party without drugs and alcohol for middle aged woman. I felt so good afterwards I smiled to both ears. For years I have tried to be in the present moment and turn that marry go around in my head off with meditation, yoga, walking in nature, kirtan etc.etc. who would have thought that a really good boogie in a safe environment is going to do the trick.

I had flashbacks to when I was young. I used to live in Berlin and work in the corporate world. On the weekends I would get my old jeans and doc martins out and let the hair out and dance for hours on end in one of the many nightclubs or at concerts there. It was my release. It made me feel free, it made me forget everything, it made me feel good. There was one club in particular called the E-werk, which was a huge industrial hall full of sweaty moving bodies. Nobody cared who you where, where you came from or how you moved. Quite often I would dance the whole night through and walk home 7 am in the morning buying bread rolls for breakfast on the way home and fall in a happy coma. Mostly those adventures where accompanied by several beers and at least 2 packets of cigarettes.

Who would have thought I can have the same fun in a little hall at Taruna in Havelock North, New Zealand with 6 other middle aged woman without drugs & alcohol.

I had completely forgotten how I love to dance, how it makes me feel when I can move freely without feeling odd about people watching & judging my movements or my age (that’s certainly a consideration now, mhhh I really would look a bit odd in a nightclub…) I loved the music, as it was just beats & rhythms – no words, just a style, no distraction.

For a couple of hours I could just let everything go. The tension that has build up over the years, the responsibility of being a mum to 2, a wife to one, a daughter, a daughter in law, a sister in law, a sister and all the other “masks” and starting all over in a new country with a new language. For a couple of hours I could just be me, I could switch my brain off. When I do yoga I still think about my movements – am I doing this right, whats up next, is my breathing correct etc. When I danced today I could just let my body do what it wanted to. I feel like I have shaken every part of my body, all the stagnant energy is gone, all the tension is gone. And a big smile, relieving lightness and a feeling of freedom here instead.

Mental note to self – do more dancing – a lot more dancing, jumping, head banging, hair shaking, screaming, yelling, releasing.

Second mental note – if you resist it – its probably just the thing you need – try it anyway.

What now – Vicky said she is going to stop doing it. Who is going to start doing rave parties for middle aged woman in Hawke’s Bay in a safe environment without drugs and alcohol. Anybody??? I will be there.

Now I am going to fall into a blissful coma without bread rolls.

Goodnight world.